


so big/so small

by CHAN4SUNG



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Divorce, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, One Shot, Songfic, focus on parent-son relationship, jeongin is chansung's son, mentions of suicidal thoughts and death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26529502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CHAN4SUNG/pseuds/CHAN4SUNG
Summary: "it was a february day, when your dad came by before going away."
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han
Comments: 9
Kudos: 45





	so big/so small

**Author's Note:**

> based off of so big/so small from dear evan hansen. originally posted in a different fandom, under a different name and in a different language. you can find the original [here.](https://write.as/youthsuns/so-big-so-small)

Every person is going to pass away one day. From the moment we are born, our seconds left on Earth are counted, decreasing without us having a say in it. Some people pray for themselves, to have a longer stay; to postpone their last day. ‘Dear God, today I come to you to ask, please give me a life that is long, fulfilling, and full of health and happiness.’ Every night they would whisper that prayer before going to bed with the belief that they have enough time in their hands to see the sunlight the next morning.

However, there are people who have given up. People who only fall onto their beds after a long day, letting out a long sigh, and drifting off to painful dreams without praying for peace. Those kinds of people—you can’t really blame them. They’re exhausted; not everyone has the luxury of living a calm life, one without stress or burdens. But more than that, they feel that life is a hopeless case. They feel that praying, begging for a better life, all have no use. They feel that hoping for better days is not something a sane person would do.

Many people say, ‘You know my name, not my story.’ That is the bitter reality. There are people who have beautiful names, bright faces, and million-dollar smiles, but a heart full of burdens that slowly fall out of the scar that opens again and again, with every horrible day that they have. Perhaps they’re still young—older people would scowl at them and say, “Ah, what a pity, such a youngster thinking those things”—but what they fail to realise is that those ‘youngsters’ have faced much longer, more draining lives. Lives full of failures.

Naïve people would say every time we fail and stumble in our path, we could always get back up. Fall seven times, get up eight. But those who aren’t built from pure optimism know that there’s no use for that. Get up for what? To fall again? It’s better to stay there, on the cold ground. It’s not like we won’t be returning to below the ground one day anyways.

That’s how Jisung feels. 26 years in this Earth consisting of nothing but pure exhaustion. 26 years where happy days are like a rare collector’s item. Sometimes he thinks, ‘What’s the point in hanging on?’

That sadness almost took over him. _Almost_. Until he married with the person he loved the most. Bang Chan. One of the people who could bring Jisung’s strength back, even after he feels like he’s gone far beyond helplessness. His world that once only felt like a small window now felt much bigger; for the first time in his entire life, he opened up that window and breathed in the fresh breeze that gave him a reason to live another day. To hang on.

That sadness almost took over him. _Almost_. Until Jeongin happened. Jisung still remembers all the pain and hardships he and Chan went through just to adopt that child. Out of all the children at the orphanage, Jeongin was the one who caught Jisung’s attention. All the other kids looked like they were hollering, “Hey! Look at me!” But Jeongin wasn’t one of them. He wasn’t the most active child—there were many children who ran around the halls during breaktime, while Jeongin happily slept with his soft blanket and little puppy plushie—and Jisung often saw him eating or playing alone. But when he saw Jeongin, he knew that Jeongin was fated to be his son.

And after that, Jisung was practically forced to hang on. To go through his life, bitterness and all. He was so focused on giving Jeongin a new home, on making sure the small boy grew up well with the person who he thought was his one true love.

Jisung still remembers the night before they brought Jeongin home. Chan who was busy checking, and checking again, all the necessities they had stocked up; Jisung who cleaned Jeongin’s room over and over again, making sure that the bed they bought was of top quality, because if not, he’d rather Jeongin sleep with Chan, and he sleep in that room. This child… even though they haven’t lived together yet, haven’t become a ‘family’, this child already had his own warm spot in Jisung’s heart. Jisung promised, before he went to sleep that night, that he would take care of the child with nothing less than his whole heart; that he could make sure that every day, Jeongin woke up with a smile.

He joined Chan in his prayers that night.

Finally, the day came to bring Jeongin to his new home. Jisung remembers that day even more vividly than the night before. holding Jeongin’s right hand, and Jisung holding his left. In that moment, they looked like the perfect family. Jisung and Chan looked at Jeongin with shy smiles, much smaller that Jeongin’s wide, bright smile. But their happiness was the same.

“Oh, right,” Jeongin said when they entered the house, “look here!” He pointed at his smile.

“Huh?” Chan acted like he was shocked. “Where did Jeongin’s tooth go? Why’s it gone? Did someone steal it?”

Jeongin laughed. “Dad, it’s not like that! Yesterday, Jeongin’s tooth… ah… fell! When I was eating!”

Jisung answered, “Exactly, Dad is weird. The tooth wasn’t stolen, but it ran away.”

“What!” Jeongin’s eyebrows furrowed cutely. “Papa is just as weird as Dad!”

After laughing wholeheartedly, they brought Jeongin to his room. The little boy looked around the room enthusiastically—his eyes became wide and his mouth opened up. “ _Wow_ …” Something in the corner of his eye caught his attention, and in one second he’d let go of his parents’ hands. “Bambi!” Oh, right. The rushed painting that Jisung only finished the night before. Jisung thought that it could be much better; nothing had happened yet, but he was already doubting himself. What if Jeongin didn’t like it? But then—“Hello Bambi, my name is Jeongin!”

Oh, right in that moment, Jisung wanted nothing more but to capture that child in the warmest embrace. Jeongin brought colour into his life. He moved to a new house with Chan a long time ago, but Jeongin was the one who decorated the walls with bright colours and a gorgeous flowery print wallpaper. Jisung felt his love for Jeongin overflow in his chest. Every day, he was woken up with an adorable and warm face at the breakfast table, and a bubbly voice that said, “Papa, I’m hungry!” And he didn’t want to be anywhere that wasn’t this house.

But, over time, the paint on the walls will begin to fade, the wallpaper will begin to peel off. The home that once looked like heaven on Earth would one day become the same as Jisung’s old apartment. The clean room with shining furniture will one day be dusty and full of cobwebs. Everything will go back to how it was before.

At first, Jisung couldn’t believe that all that happened. That the family he built, the family he loved, began to crack. Like a vase made of glass that only seemed strong, the safety that Jisung felt was a mere illusion. This was only a short intermission, a moment to breathe before the next tragedy. But Jisung didn’t want to believe that, didn’t want to accept the fact that his life would always, _always_ be filled with failure.

Only at _that_ night did he finally believe, because everything felt real when Jeongin asked, “Papa, why isn’t Dad home yet?” Jisung could only stare at him while his thoughts raced in his mind, not sure of how he’ll be able to explain all of it to the boy. The boy who he wanted to save from ever feeling pain would feel it all in that moment.

And Jisung wasn’t ready for that.

He wasn’t ready to see Jeongin’s smile disappear.

Jeongin asked again, “Where did Dad go?”

Jisung only held Jeongin’s hand. “Dad isn’t coming back, Jeongin. From today, it’s only you and Papa.”

“But Pa, Dad has to come back—”

“Sometimes, life is like that.” Jisung replied, trying his best to hold back a sigh, not sure how else to console the little boy. “Don’t worry, Papa is still here.”

They were silent for a while. Jeongin was already ready to sleep, hugging his pillow close to his chest while Jisung held his hand—a weak attempt to do something, something that could distract Jeongin from the bitter reality. Then, Jeongin asked, “Papa, you won’t be leaving too, right?”

In that moment, Jisung felt his breath falter. The room felt huge, like a portal to another world opened and he was sucked in, and he had no map to help him return to a less terrifying world. Even though Jeongin’s nightlight was on, Jisung could only see darkness. He felt small, for the first time in a long time, and he wanted to hide away until all of this passed. Until the happiness returned.

But he had to be strong. For Jeongin.

My God, he couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain that Jeongin must be going through.

Finally he said, as softly as he possibly could, “Papa will always be with you, Jeongin.”

That night, he slept in Jeongin’s room, hugging his child—who was only 11 years old then—with all the tenderness he could muster up. And he promised that he would make Jeongin happy again, that he would protect his child from all the evil in the world, from all the pain.

What Jisung didn’t know was that parents couldn’t do that. There was no parent who could protect their child from everything; the child will go out into the world one day, and will see everything that was hidden from them. Hiding all the horrible things wouldn’t make it sting less; it would only make the shock feel stronger.

Especially now, Jisung had to work even harder to find a way to raise Jeongin without Chan’s help. He only wanted the best for his son’s future. Because of that, he worked until the unholy hours of the night, almost fainting at his shift in the hospital only to return to the emergency room without resting, having to gather up the little strength he had left to care for the patients in the room. He didn’t mind this exhaustion, having to go through a job that wasn’t what he wanted but gave him a decent pay, only so that Jeongin could have a bright future. But because of that, he forgot Jeongin’s present.

He didn’t see Jeongin, who would come home from school every day with a dark look in his eyes. Didn’t see how Jeongin forced himself to smile when he said, “How was work, Papa?” when the front door opened. Didn’t see Jeongin, who stayed awake until morning, who locked the door to his room so he wouldn’t get caught being awake, only to do his assignments or study.

Jeongin felt like a burden to his father. He saw his father’s weak figure and didn’t feel thankful, but guilty. Could he apologise to his father for… existing? For adding onto the burdens that were already crushing him? Because that’s what Jeongin wanted to do.

Jeongin tried his hardest to hide all the pain away from Jisung. ‘It’s better this way,’ he told himself. He could feel this pain alone. He could hold back his tears, as long as Jisung didn’t have to cry with him anymore.

He didn’t tell anything about his life to Jisung. About his good grades that weren’t an achievement that he could be proud of, but a burden that was caused by his teachers’ expectations and his classmates’ teasing. About all the times his classmates said things that would make him want to run to the hospital Jisung was working in and cry in his arms.

All the hurtful words that Jeongin began to believe. The words that kept him awake at night, and forced his already red eyes to stay open and read the textbook that he hated with every cell in his body. ‘One more chapter, you’re already making Papa’s life a living hell, can’t you do just this?’

He was fine. He could still live like that, with the pressure from everyone around him. Until one night, Jisung arrived home much earlier than he should have. He wanted to surprise Jeongin, to cook for him like the old times. Just eating takeout wasn’t good for Jeongin’s health anyways. Jisung put down the plastic bag filled with groceries on the kitchen counter before knocking on Jeongin’s bedroom door.

“Jeongin?” When he heard Jisung’s voice, Jeongin almost jumped. “Come out and eat dinner. I’m cooking.”

Jeongin stayed silent. His throat was dry, an effect of not drinking enough. He was afraid that if he spoke, Jisung would catch on his voice that sounded hoarser, and start being worried for him. Jeongin didn’t want that to happen, didn’t want Jisung to go through even more hardship because of him.

But that only made Jisung worried. Usually, Jeongin would answer to his calls with a cheery voice. This time, he didn’t hear a thing. “Jeongin, what’re you doing?” Jisung bit his lip when Jeongin didn’t answer. “I’m coming in, okay?”

Because it was only 6:40, Jeongin didn’t lock his bedroom door yet. Jisung went in, and right then right there, he saw everything that Jeongin was hiding from him. Jeongin was sitting on his bed, maybe because he was tired of sitting on his chair. Jisung saw that his eyes were red and had dark circles below them; his cheeks had tears on them, still drying; his lips were dry and pale. In front of him, an open book. A biology book, probably, Jisung deduced from the diagram that he saw.

Jisung felt his world break apart again. Not only a small crack this time. He tried his best to ignore the sting in his chest, the disappointment that wasn’t directed at Jeongin but rather at himself for once again failing to keep his promise. Jeongin was the only important person in that room, not him—he had to be strong.

“Hey, why are you like this?” Jisung closed the book and tossed it away to the other side of the bed. “Take a break for a while, that’s enough studying for now.”

“But Pa,” Jeongin started, “my grades… they’re dropping.” A lie. Since when could Jeongin’s grades ever drop?

“Your grades aren’t everything. You have to take care of yourself too. Don’t you feel tired, sweetheart?”

Jeongin shook his head. But after a moment’s hesitation, he said, “I’m tired, Pa.”

“That’s why you shouldn’t be studying all the time..”

“Not that.” Jeongin sighed. He wanted to cry. He was scared, scared that something would happen to his father after what he was about to say. “I’m tired of life.”

Jisung’s world, that was already broken, broke apart again into even smaller pieces. Jisung was sure that after this, he couldn’t fix it anymore. It was too late.

He was too late.

He failed at being a parent.

Jisung sat down next to Jeongin. He wanted to hold his son’s hand, but was afraid that Jeongin would just recoil at the action. So he didn’t do that. “Why do you say that?”

“I’m just tired.”

“There must be a reason, though.”

“My classmates.” Jeongin said after some hesitation, biting his lip. Jisung immediately pulled him into a hug, Jeongin’s head resting on Jisung’s shoulder. “They’re so cruel. They called me an idiot.” He choked back a sob. “That I’m not your son. They said that you want to throw me away, like my previous parents—” Jeongin stopped himself before the tears would start flowing again.

“Jeongin, tell me, who are they? They don’t have any right to say that. Of course you’re my son, Jeongin. My son who I love so much.”

“Dad also loved me. Now look.”

“He’s different, Jeongin.”

“Don’t you want to do that too? I’m nothing but a burden in your life. I’m not a useful kid, my grades are average at best. I never got straight A’s or 100% on my tests like you used to when you were a kid.”

Jisung didn’t know how to respond to that. It’s true, that he still had much to learn about being a parent. Jeongin’s situation right now was proof. But maybe, just maybe, he could take the chance to start learning now.

Jeongin continued, “You weren’t there too, either, Papa. When I got the Top Student award.”

That’s true. Jisung didn’t have the time to go to the award ceremony at Jeongin’s school. But not because he didn’t care about it. He was proud of Jeongin; he even kept that medal at a special place in the house, so that everyone who entered the house would see his son’s wonderful achievement. No words could describe how proud he was of his son. No, he didn’t not attend because he didn’t care.-

“Why do you think I didn’t go, Jeongin? Because I don’t love you?” Jeongin could only stay quiet. “You yourself know that I work every day, sweetheart. If I could have, I would have gone there. Forgive me? I’ll try to be a better parent.”

This wasn’t what Jeongin wanted. He didn’t want his father to try even harder; he already felt too hurt seeing his father the way he is now. It would be better if Jisung just abandoned him. So for once, he could feel free.

“I know,” Jisung said, “I’ve come up short a million different ways. I know there’s moments that I missed. There’s spaces in your life that I can’t fill no matter how hard I try. Maybe I’ve disappointed you, too.” Tears fill Jisung’s eyes when he remembers every time he was lacking as a parent. “But I still love you, sweetheart, and you’re still my son. I would never leave you just like that.”

“Why? Why do you say all this, Pa? Why don’t you hate me?”

Jisung was shocked that Jeongin could ask such a thing. Then he realised, Jeongin didn’t know how precious he was to Jisung. could only reach for his hand, hoping that this small action would calm Jeongin down a little. “Did you know that you’re not just another kid? You’re really God’s gift to me, Jeongin. You’re the reason why I can hang on until this day. The reason why I go to work even if I’d kill for a day off. You’re the reason why I’m still alive. You… Only you could make me happy again, only you could make me feel like life is worth living.” He hugged Jeongin even tighter. “You are my everything, my son. My beautiful, intelligent, talented, kind-hearted son.”

“I—” His tears began to flow, and Jeongin his his face in Jisung’s neck. “Pa, I—forgive me, Pa—I feel—everything’s too—I miss you—”

Jisung brushed his fingers through Jeongin’s hair gently and said, “There’s no need to say anything, sweetheart. Just let it all out, your dad is here. Your dad won’t ever leave you.”

They stayed in that position for a while. Jeongin let out all his tears, until he could breathe again. “Pa?”

“Yes?” Jeongin didn’t say anything else. Maybe he just needed to hear his father’s voice, so he could be sure that his father was really there. That this was all real. Jisung smiled a small smile. “I hope you’re not too old for forehead kisses.” Jeongin shook his head and smiled wide when Jisung kissed his forehead. “Now let’s eat, I wanna cook your favourite pasta.”

“I love you, Papa.”

“I love you too, Jeongin.”

**Author's Note:**

> come scream with me: [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.qa/CHAN4SUNG) / [twitter](https://twitter.com/bfhyunsung)


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